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"Craft" beers are for wankers - just drink lager - a campaign for Bad Beer!

No one actually likes "craft" beers. That is a fact. There are 3 types. Rocket Fuels, Grapefruits and plain shit.

Rocket fuel beers are made as strong as possible for no other reason than the brewer is an alcoholic with a penchant for discovering oblivion at the end of his garden, in a shed, reminiscing about the good old days. This bloke remembers when freddos were less than a fiver and Polish was something you put on your shoes, not the perfectly polite family at the end of the road who he is jealous of. He is jealous because his wife has left him due to his blatant alcoholism and his feeble attempt at covering it up by making Ye Olde Tongue Stripper in an old bath. This lead him to vote in favour of Brexit.

Grapefruits, these are usually made by mid level management types just on the wrong side of 45, who have realised the futility of everything they have done up to now and cannot afford a Porsche. They bandy about words like "heady" and  "IPA" having little or no understanding of what this is. What they make normally tastes entirely of grapefruit scented soap, as they tasted a brew dog once and believe that is what beer should taste like. This hobby gives them an excuse to escape from the loveless marriage and seemingly endless reality TV their wife uses to numb the tedium. It also means that you have to drink this shite and smile whilst nodding encouragingly to your friend incase the slightest bit of criticism sends them on a killing spree landing you on the front page of the MailOnline for causing it.

Plain shit. This is a bit of a wild card and can realistically be produced by anyone, but largely high street brands. My main gripe is BrewDog, hailing from my home land, but there are literally billions of them out there now. They have cleverly made their products expensive enough to make unsuspecting drinkers have a perception of quality and everyone drinks it grimacing from behind fake smiles. Don't get me wrong, by the time I get 10 pints in, I will more or less drink anything, but what is wrong with lager?! Beer is meant to be refreshing, it is a drink you should not have to think about, it should certainly not challenge you! Below is a quote from the late great Mr Bourdain, a personal hero of mine.

"This is not a bar. This is fucking Invasion of the Body Snatchers. This is wrong. This is not what a bar is about. A bar is to go to to get a little bit buzzed, and pleasantly derange the senses, and have a good time and interact with other people or make bad decisions or feel bad about your life.
It’s not to sit there fucking analysing beer. It’s antithetical."

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